Here are my resolutions (which I don’t make) for 2004:

1. I will leave my caps lock on 24x7x364, using Title Case on the 4th of July only.

2. I will find a way to catch and save the little, black and green detritis unloosed through dental flossing.

3. I will convince one person each week throughout the year that someone is out to get them, and that that someone is getting closer and closer.

4. I will write a book of little value, either as literature or criticism or entertainment.

5. I will send letters to 27 people I don’t know asking them to send me $1,000 in exchange for nothing. If they’d prefer, they can send $500 in exchange for my favorite pieces of dental flossing byproducts.

6. I will part my hair on the right side for 7 minutes a day.

7. I will stare at my reflection in the mirror each morning and pretend to recognize the face.

8. I will paint one room three different colors.

9. I will organize my luggage by size, shape, and color.