Hot Stock Tip: Hormel

St. Louis–One company expected to surge amidst the economic chaos about to plague the planet: Hormel Foods, makers of the famous poverty meat, Spam.

“I like Hormel,” Wachovia food analyst Walter Crimsin told Hennessy’s View. “Families that are lucky enough to avoid the soup kitchens will be looking for value in their animal protein purchases. Spam has been a staple poverty food since before the last Depression, and I think it’ll outperform the market in this one.”

Spam is a “mystery meat” which has some of the color and approximate texture of meat, but tastes like a pliable sort of goo.

In related business news, Wall Street analysts project the burgeoning carbon credit industry will collapse as the world faces actual problems. Industry expert Len Wilson of Bank of America:

“Bill, we all enjoyed playing the carbon credit markets when the economy was booming and no one had any real concerns, unless of course you had a kid in Iraq or somewhere. Now that we have a real problem, though, investors won’t have an appetite for simulated crises like global warming.”

Concern over increased rates of obesity are also expected to recede as Americans return to physical occupations and have nothing to eat but Spam and similar potted meats.

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