Hennessy's View

Domine, non sum dignus

Ghosts Organize in Alton, Illinois

Alton, Illinois — Spirits of the dead in the river city of Alton, Illinois, voted last night to organize as a union affiliated with the Service Employees International Union (SEIU). Everett Johnson, a lawyer representing the ghosts, says he will begin negotiations with the town’s haunted house tour guides, spirit shops, and even owners of haunted properties. “The living have been exploiting these tortured souls for decades,” Johnson told Hennessy’s View. Read more →

Elizabeth Warren Performs “Indian Rain Dance” To Quell Dispute

Cambridge, MA—Massachusetts Democratic Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren donned a pink headdress and performed, what she called, an “authentic Indian rain dance” during a press conference today. Ms Warren was hoping to convince skeptics of her claims of Native American heritage. She also hinted that her preference for bison meat to beef indicates her heritage. “My pepaw taught me this dance when I was a little girl,” Warren said during a short session with reporters at a high school gymnasium in Cambridge, MA. Read more →

U.S. Holds Auditions for New Terrorist Mastermind

Washington, DC–Reeling from the backlash over a campaign ad that paints President Barack Obama as Osama bin Laden’s sole assassin, the White House today announced open auditions for a new global terrorist mastermind. [caption id=“attachment_12119” align=“alignnone” width=“570” caption=“Last year’s White House auditions for press secretary”][/caption] White House spokesman Jay Carney told reporters “the world needs a dangerous, evil character to worry about … and, frankly, so does the President. Reagan had the Evil Empire; Bush had the Axis of Evil. Read more →

White House Unveils Unemployment Strategy

WASHINGTON, DC: The White House unveiled a new strategy to lower the nation’s unemployment rate, currently standing at 10 percent. In his weekly radio address Saturday, the President announced that he will use remaining funds from the failed Stimulus bill to take advantage of little known variable in the unemployment rate factor: “discouraged workers.” Pointing out that “discouraged” workers are excluded from the unemployment calculation, the President explained that the government will encourage the unemployed to simply give up hopes for finding work. Read more →

Obama Accepts Reid’s Apology

WASHINGTON, DC – Saying, “The Senate relies on dingy-skinned white men, especially ones without a cracker dialect,” President Barack Obama accepted Senator Harry Reid’s (D-NV) apology for words Reid used in private in 2008. According to the forthcoming book, “Game Changing,” Reid described Obama a “light-skinned” black man “with no Negro dialect … unless he wanted to have one” during the 2008 presidential election. In his apology, Reid said, “I deeply regret using such a poor choice of words, but it’s mighty white of the President to accept my sincere apology. Read more →

The Other Shoe Drops

For months I’ve been echoing the warnings of Peter Schiff and others: when China stops buying American debt, we’re in deep, deep trouble. The possibility for hyperflation, prices rise by double-digits on daily or weekly measures, becomes palpably high. Even though this article from IHT failed to suprised me, I have a sick, frightened gnawing in my stomach: China has bought more than $1 trillion in American debt, but as the global downturn has intensified, Beijing is starting to keep more of its money at home - a shift that could pose some challenges to the U. Read more →

Breaking News: Philadelphia Set Voting Record

Philadelphia, PA– Philadelphia today saw the most votes cast in the city’s history as measured by percentage and raw numbers. Oddly enough, only about 4,000 people actually showed up at polling places to cast votes. “It was remarkably efficient,” said Philly Mayor Nutter (D). “We managed to break voting records without forcing people to leave work early or find the polling places. This is a model for the country.” For the numbers, 127 percent of the eligible voters were represented in the final number, and nearly 1,800,000 votes cast. Read more →

America’s Future In Good Hands

This video from ONN proves the young men who will lead America’s future are stacked with altruism. https://www.theonion.com/content/themes/common/assets/videoplayer/flvplayer.swf 12-Year-Old Boy Scouts Volunteer To Give Women Breast Exams Read more →

Obama Plans to Register Jews

Cleveland, OH – Citing concern for their safety in anincreasingly anti-Semitic USA, Democrat presidential candidate Barack Obama today announced a plan to provide Jews with additional protection. The plan, called “HOPE … We’ll Protect You,” requires urges Jews to register with their local Social Security Administration office. After filling out a short form, SSA will photograph the citizen and implant a small microchip on the Jew’s left arm. The chip, about the size of a pencil lead, will allow authorities to quickly identify Jews killed or injured should anti-Semitic violence increase. Read more →