Cuomo Reaches 48th Place on Genocide List
May 14, 2020
NEW YORK—New York Governor Andrew Cuomo’s nursing home genocide passed the Chittagong Hill Tracts genocide of 1977 to take sole possession of 48th place in the all-time genocide list, according to Genocide Watch International. Cuomo is now only 3,100 deaths away from overtaking Slobodan Milošević’s Bosnian genocide of 1992 to 1995 for 47th. All-time list of Greatest Genocides via Wikipedia Over 5,200 nursing home residents in New York died to Coronavirus as a result of Cuomo’s policy of placing elderly Coronavirus patients in otherwise disease-free facilities.
Ghosts Organize in Alton, Illinois
December 23, 2013
Alton, Illinois — Spirits of the dead in the river city of Alton, Illinois, voted last night to organize as a union affiliated with the Service Employees International Union (SEIU). Everett Johnson, a lawyer representing the ghosts, says he will begin negotiations with the town’s haunted house tour guides, spirit shops, and even owners of haunted properties. “The living have been exploiting these tortured souls for decades,” Johnson told Hennessy’s View.
Elizabeth Warren Performs “Indian Rain Dance” To Quell Dispute
May 6, 2012
Cambridge, MA—Massachusetts Democratic Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren donned a pink headdress and performed, what she called, an “authentic Indian rain dance” during a press conference today. Ms Warren was hoping to convince skeptics of her claims of Native American heritage. She also hinted that her preference for bison meat to beef indicates her heritage. “My pepaw taught me this dance when I was a little girl,” Warren said during a short session with reporters at a high school gymnasium in Cambridge, MA.
U.S. Holds Auditions for New Terrorist Mastermind
May 1, 2012
Washington, DC–Reeling from the backlash over a campaign ad that paints President Barack Obama as Osama bin Laden’s sole assassin, the White House today announced open auditions for a new global terrorist mastermind. [caption id=“attachment_12119” align=“alignnone” width=“570” caption=“Last year’s White House auditions for press secretary”] [/caption] White House spokesman Jay Carney told reporters “the world needs a dangerous, evil character to worry about . . . and, frankly, so does the President.
White House Unveils Unemployment Strategy
January 10, 2010
WASHINGTON, DC: The White House unveiled a new strategy to lower the nation’s unemployment rate, currently standing at 10 percent. In his weekly radio address Saturday, the President announced that he will use remaining funds from the failed Stimulus bill to take advantage of little known variable in the unemployment rate factor: “discouraged workers.” Pointing out that “discouraged” workers are excluded from the unemployment calculation, the President explained that the government will encourage the unemployed to simply give up hopes for finding work.
Obama Accepts Reid’s Apology
January 10, 2010
WASHINGTON, DC – Saying, “The Senate relies on dingy-skinned white men, especially ones without a cracker dialect,” President Barack Obama accepted Senator Harry Reid’s (D-NV) apology for words Reid used in private in 2008. According to the forthcoming book, “Game Changing,” Reid described Obama a “light-skinned” black man “with no Negro dialect . . . unless he wanted to have one” during the 2008 presidential election. In his apology, Reid said, “I deeply regret using such a poor choice of words, but it’s mighty white of the President to accept my sincere apology.
The Other Shoe Drops
January 8, 2009
For months I’ve been echoing the warnings of Peter Schiff and others: when China stops buying American debt, we’re in deep, deep trouble. The possibility for hyperflation, prices rise by double-digits on daily or weekly measures, becomes palpably high. Even though this article from IHT failed to suprised me, I have a sick, frightened gnawing in my stomach: China has bought more than $1 trillion in American debt, but as the global downturn has intensified, Beijing is starting to keep more of its money at home - a shift that could pose some challenges to the U.
Breaking News: Philadelphia Set Voting Record
November 5, 2008
Philadelphia, PA– Philadelphia today saw the most votes cast in the city’s history as measured by percentage and raw numbers. Oddly enough, only about 4,000 people actually showed up at polling places to cast votes. “It was remarkably efficient,” said Philly Mayor Nutter (D). “We managed to break voting records without forcing people to leave work early or find the polling places. This is a model for the country.” For the numbers, 127 percent of the eligible voters were represented in the final number, and nearly 1,800,000 votes cast.
Obama Plans to Register Jews
October 28, 2008
Cleveland, OH – Citing concern for their safety in anincreasingly anti-Semitic USA, Democrat presidential candidate Barack Obama today announced a plan to provide Jews with additional protection. The plan, called “HOPE . . . We’ll Protect You,” requires urges Jews to register with their local Social Security Administration office. After filling out a short form, SSA will photograph the citizen and implant a small microchip on the Jew’s left arm. The chip, about the size of a pencil lead, will allow authorities to quickly identify Jews killed or injured should anti-Semitic violence increase.
Hot Stock Tip: Hormel
October 10, 2008
St. Louis–One company expected to surge amidst the economic chaos about to plague the planet: Hormel Foods, makers of the famous poverty meat, Spam. “I like Hormel,” Wachovia food analyst Walter Crimsin told Hennessy’s View. “Families that are lucky enough to avoid the soup kitchens will be looking for value in their animal protein purchases. Spam has been a staple poverty food since before the last Depression, and I think it’ll outperform the market in this one.
Senate Passes Economic Rescue Plan--Reward Points Galore!
October 2, 2008
Washington, DC–As economists and taxpayers began to dissect the Economic Rescue bill passed by the U. S. Senate tonight, many experts were surprised to learn that tax payers are in line for trillions of reward points. Reward points are a popular perk used by banks, hotels, airlines, and retailers to encourage consumers to use their services and credit cards. What legislators failed to realize when authorizing the Secretary of the Treasury to assume billions of dollars of bad debt was that the reward points associated with those loans transfer to the U.
Majority Leader Harry Reid: "New Orleans is Lost--Bring the Guardsmen Home"
September 1, 2008
Technorati Tags: Harry Reid,Hurricane Gustav,Satire RENO, Nevada–Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-NV) announced today that the battle against Hurricane Gustav “is lost. New Orleans is lost. I demand that President Bush withdraw all National Guardsmen immediately.” Last year, Reid declared the war in Iraq lost, even as the troop surge began to show impressive signs toward ultimate victory. Today, he made his statement shortly after winds died down in New Orleans, and after the Army Corps of Engineers reported that the levees appeared to hold.
Record Cold Winter Requires Even Scarier, More Draconian Response
March 10, 2008
Washinton, DC – The record cold temperatures and heavy snow in Asia and North America have prompted earth scientists to invent a whole new demand: zero carbon emissions. Citing a new generation of computer models, based on scientific speculation that only a decade ago was considered too outlandish to pull off, scientists now claim that even physical exercise is too dangerous and must be banned. “The steam that rises from a Starbuck’s coffee contains enough greenhouse gases to kill three polar bears and wipe out a village in Sri Lanka,” said Dr.
Dole: "McCain Can Win Even More States Than I Did"
February 5, 2008
Former Sentator and Republican nominee for President, Bob Dole, came to John McCain’s defense, today. Taking umbrage at anti-McCain rhetoric from conservatives like Rush Limbaugh, Dole struck back, declaring McCain a superior candidate. Here is the text of Dole’s message: When Bob Dole ran for president, Bob Dole lost to an unpopular, scandal-ridden Democrat who had just lost both houses of Congress in an off-year Republican landslide. Listen to Bob Dole: Bob Dole was an establishment Republican.
Britney Spears to Appear in New Bin Laden Video
September 11, 2007
Northern Pakistan–al Qaeda Entertainment, a division of al Qaeda-at-large, announced today that the next Osama bin Laden video will feature American pop star Britney Spears. al Qaeda hopes that Spears' presence will help increase viewership in the 15-24 demographic, a prime target for terrorist recruitment. Melinda Roikers, Ms. Spears' publicist, said the OBL video could mitigate some of the damage to Britney’s career and reputation as a result of her public drunkeness, her radical haircut, her feud with her mother, and her recent appearance on the Video Music Awards.
Ted Kennedy to Patraeus: Fight Like a Man
September 11, 2007
Washington – Massechusetts Senator Ted Kennedy, today, challenged General David Petraeus, commander of forces in Iraq, to a fist fight in the rotunda of the Capitol over their disagreements on the effectiveness of surge. “If General ‘Betray Us’ were half the man he acts like in front of the cameras, he’d come out here and fight like one,” shouted an angry and apparently intoxicated Kennedy during an impromptu press conference near the Declaration of Independence display.