May 1, 2012

398 words 2 mins read

U.S. Holds Auditions for New Terrorist Mastermind

Washington, DC–Reeling from the backlash over a campaign ad that paints President Barack Obama as Osama bin Laden’s sole assassin, the White House today announced open auditions for a new global terrorist mastermind.

[caption id=“attachment_12119” align=“alignnone” width=“570” caption=“Last year’s White House auditions for press secretary”]


White House spokesman Jay Carney told reporters “the world needs a dangerous, evil character to worry about . . . and, frankly, so does the President.  Reagan had the Evil Empire; Bush had the Axis of Evil.  The Tea Party just isn’t frightening enough to serve as Obama’s nemesis.”

Irving Crowder, professor of political science at University of Delaware, said that arch-enemies help incumbent presidents. “They give us all a common enemy to rally against. At election time, the president can simply announce a new threat posed by this person or this country, what have you, and get a quick bump in the polls.”

The auditions are open to men and women capable of playing a character over 40 who has killed at least one thousand people. Middle Eastern or Eastern European features a plus.  Auditions will be held May 8 through 10 at the Georgetown University Hotel and Conference Center in Washington, DC, with call backs the following week.

“We’re looking for someone who’s menacing, sure, but human. Audiences won’t buy a ‘total evil’ villain,” said Carney.  “Sophisticated audiences in the US expect their bad guys to have a softer side, too.”

James Carville, Contessa Brewer, and Snoop Dogg will be the celebrity judges. The White House may release audition videos through the Obama campaign’s YouTube channel.  “It depends on the quality of the auditions,” said Carney. “Whether they have any political or comedic value–or if they just scare the crap out of people.”

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton said in a statement, “I look forward to bringing to bear the full power and ingenuity of the State Department against any enemy of the United States developed through this innovative process.”

Auditioners should prepare a one to two minute monologue and dress in clothes comfortable for movement.  Singing will not be required, but you may be asked to demonstrate movement with simple choreography. Bring your resume and four 8x10 black and white portraits with your name, address, phone number, email, age, and weight on the back of each one.  Actors Equity or SAG membership required if cast, but not to audition.